Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? And does he sing to
you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at
school with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with
you. Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched and does he cry
through broken sentences like I love you far too much? Does he lay awake listening to your
breath? Worried that you smoke too many cigarettes.

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?
Nietzsche

there's always going to be that one friend who isn't afraid to get mad at you & tell you about it, and who isn't afraid to call at 4 in the morning if she has some very important news to share, even if it is about how she understands a math concept you got in a blowup about the night before because you could neither agree on the correct way to go about #1 and #3. God bless you Vivian. You're fucking crazy and I love it.

I'm not sure how I screw so many things up but I do. I'm sitting here jacking myself up on coffee so maybe, just maybe I can somehow finish my take-home test without a graphing calculator. It's not going to work. But I don't even care about that anymore. I don't like myself right now. I don't like my attitude towards things and I hate that I'm too thickheaded to allow myself to change. I need to get past that. It's not like I'm really even that grumpy. I just feel like I'm losing my marbles in a sense. Not completely batty but theres been a sharp decrease in sanity. I know it's stress related and that's what sucks.

So while I'm staring at an endless list of math problems in front of me I ponder lifes greater questions, like what would I do with my life if I never had to die, or even more importantly if I didn't know I was going to die someday. Furthermore if I was ignorant to the fact that I had to die and I did would I be bitter that I didn't do enough with my time? Or maybe one day some primitive instincts would kick in(giving them the benefit of the doubt because we're losing those fast) and I'd realize it and up and run off someday to do all sorts of crazy things. Time is ridiculous like that. It makes me do crazy things, like whine for hours about not having enough of it then being upset that I wasted that time not doing anything. Lets see then there's my question about the ocean. So the planet is 2/3rds water, yet we call it earth, and seek land. Our blood is closer to seawater than bones to soil, but it's always ashes to ashes. Water invented us but we seek out dirt, do opposites really attract that much or are we just in denial? Seriously now. I want an unhindered night with Sam to sort out this as well as lifes other mysteries (if you know what I mean). No getting tired, no being lazy, and no being grumpy. No television no movies no games, just him and me and good times. Perhaps some raging libidos, but also some thoughtful sincere conversation. I think him and I need a great stupendous beautiful time together because we work together so well and it needs to be celebrated. I'm tired of being argumentive and I'm tired of bitching about having nothing to do and I'm done as of this morning when I woke up hating myself. I have the whole world out there and I can't find something to do? It's really me being thickheaded again and my mind playing tricks on me telling me I want to do something but I'll never figure out what it is because anything we think of doing I disapprove of. I'm such a pill sometimes.

So! Anyways Friday's my rockin birthday party. You know you want to come cause Misty and I are the best.

So far its...
Misty Amber(Sean by default) Sam(not by default cause he's awesome) Jason Keith Amiel Nick(!!!) Vivian Kim(if she can withstand not seeing Brian for one night) Corey (I HOPE ANNA!) Chris(Should come but probably will back out) Ryan Chelsea Gina(I hope) O-Livia Stazi(maybe) and LOREN!

everyone needs to tell us if they are coming for sure or not cause we need to know how much stuff to get! it's on friday in case any of you dorks are going to the dance.

Tonight's a lazy sit around in my underwear and watch tv night. Unfortunately calculus says otherwise. Haven't started yet, been thinking about it enough though! So Amber and I have a few tricks up our sleeves right now. We're awesome. Jason visited us today with one of his crazy random friends that never fail to amaze me, he wanted Amber to pierce his lip, so she did and he just about broke my fingers squeezing them. Bad idea, real bad one, he looks like a moron but I'm not gonna be the one to say it. (Sean "Babe will you give me a prince albert next?" haha). We used flavor injectors to make chicken breasts with cheese and lemon cause she just got her infomercial knives. One of our surprises for the boys is in a bit of a pickle but we'll figure it out. Misty: YOU ARE HARD TO SHOP FOR. That's all there is to it. I can't shop for her without feeling like I'm getting her run of the mill stuff! We went to souper salad and Amber told me one of the girls at work told her salad breeds bacteria at salad bars and I almost didn't want to eat after seeing some of the people there, but whatever. Vivian likes putting burnt subway bread in the bed of my truck and I like making her clean it out! Cause I'm a regular badass. I really wanna teach Sam how to two step cause I really need someone to dance with that isn't an old man. What's happening to guys these days? I thought dancing came standard. I think it's safe to start the ol' countdown!! 46 days as of tomorrow! Yeah you know what!

I hate the bowling teacher.

I missed a day adn was late one day to her class. My mom called it in. When I told her I had been diagnosed with anemia yesterday she told me those 'weren't excuses and your mother shouldn't have called them in' then she told me if bowling was wearing me out I needed to drop the class, and get and F? Fuck her. Oh and I 'still need to run stairs' let me tell you how CAPABLE I am of running up and down stairs for a half hour WITHOUT a break. If you stop she makes you start over again. It started with her telling me I needed to do it for 15 minutes once. I was going to try and press for that, but this is ridiculous. I have excused absences, I don't sit there and curse and chew in her class and I'm the one running stairs? She can suck my imaginary cockadoodledoo.

Wierd dreams last night, wierd people called me in them...more later maybe I don't need them reading about it!

oh man. i have a cold, i'm still wondering if it's a sinus cold or a throat cold...i think its a sinus infection. i've been getting sick ish so much these past couple weeks. it sucks a left one.

i got my schedule today, it ain't no thang! i'm sooo happy! i might actually have a life this year.

so i got 5th and 7th off(thats right mother fuckers you know your jealous) so i have the 2 hour lunch period a class then i go home. and on block days(1 3 5 7) i only have two classes then the next day is a sleep in day! hoorah.

so here goes:

1)College prep physics-Price
2)Contemperary Literature-DeLong(i pussied out of ap sorry stazi! 6 books to read over a summer is bs)
3)Latin 201-Zinn(latin teachers always have funky names)
4)Calc BC-Maccalous(she hates me so much, just kill me, i don't think i was on time once last year!)
6)Civics-Nudell(yeah i'm the kind of tard that never took american government)

so who has not too much to worry about this year? thats right. me. i like that i don't have bullshit in between like psych ap and photo that just stressed my ass out for no reason, 2 or 3 harder classes is bettah.

i'm sort of regretting not going on the family trip...i mean its my last summer in a sense and i'll never really get to experience the whole childhood trip thing again. but i didn't know what to do about the animal situation. right now i'm the only one kittie will let come up to her and i don't want her to get lonely and i think the dogs would definately be neglected unless someone was home. there's just 4 animals with totally different needs.

corey's bringing me some meat over and cooking it for toto puppy cause i don't know how to cook meat and toto wont eat dog food.

i think i'm headin to glenwood tomorrow morning.

agh these are so hott and i'm going to get them if it kills me!

if sunny could possibly be any whinier right now that'd be grrrreat. she will not leave my cat alone right now and earlier she ran up to her before i could pull her back and my cat scratched her eye so if it's still puffy tomorrow i'm gonna call gail about taking care of it. i'm sorry but damn i don't understand this dog. she will not leave any of the animals be no matter what their doing. she's like a very very coordinated 2 year old with adhd.

and work was fun, i still haven't counted my money cause i know it's just going to depress me. i was there for 5 and a half hours. i bussed with harley and he was actually really sweet today and took all of the bustubs and we made fun of people. keenan poured a cup of ice water down my shirt and that sucked. and people were really pushy and made wierd requests all night and i ignored them for as long as i could all night.

i have way too much on my mind to be writing it down online so i'm gonna take my biznass to the porch and have a smoke and a sit and think about stuff...

ARKHG:H:IDLGJSL:DJGKL:FJDDS FJOAIJROIEUROWJFOI:U ILL KILL YoU!

I almost have an entire spaceman outfit.


but im pissed right now.

super pissed.

who the hell let me sign up to be part of the orientation crew? i don't like 'extensive training' and 'light lunches' and relearning all the icebreakers.

i don't know what my deal is lately. i don't know why i'm so effin' moody. and i don't know why i have continual cramps, maybe im in pain so i'm moody? hell if i know...someone needs to romance the hell out of me though.

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

this song makes me want to cry hi hiiiiiiy. then go and do good deeds. so you can cram it Ms. Morgan Fairchild(i stole that)

rocky horror picture show tomorrow? hail yes. and if i wake up early enough, it's so time for willy wonka.

earlier corey and i went and i helped him drive his car and then we ate and then we went to try and feed the ducks but there weren't any, so i came home and sam came over for some serious cuddling before his meeting thing

i can't believe how horrible i've gotten at super mario brothers, alyssa woops my ass.

sunday night through tuesday morning or perhaps monday night...kristen nichole emily jess possibly jenny and lacey and i are probably going camping, one of our bosses was talking about coming which was wierd, but we're definately going out monday night, since all of us got it off like the gangsters we are. jess had a 'nervous breakdown' at work which was really sad, she looked like she was going to pass out but she just got herself really worked up, vyonne and butch were really cute taking care of her, then she went to the hospital

i skipped a party cause annas sick like a dog so we all went over there and played nintendo and stuff(happy pills and sths), i'm super tired so i'm glad i skipped it, anna alyssa and i need to see more of each other anyways.

i just took my nyquil so i should be bowing out soon.

misty if you need anything right now i'm here for you dollface, i dont know when you left those messages but i didn't get them til now...

i'm sorry i missed your call, i'm not feeling well at all, i've got that thing thats been going around, called please pretend that i've left town, okay?